I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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