I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
