I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
