i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
