happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
