i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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