there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
