When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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