I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
