Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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