Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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