covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
