i just wanna soil my oats bro
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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