A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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