I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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