we made out on top of his cat.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It's never too late to be topless.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
