mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.