Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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