Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
