I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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