i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
