Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
