I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
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My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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