My girlfriend figured out who you are.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
