Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
