I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
