Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I woke up under a house in Key West
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
