I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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