I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
