Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
