so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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