Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
