Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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