I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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