Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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