plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
