I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
