that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
