I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
