at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
