I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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