i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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