im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
