hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
