So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
