my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
