I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
