Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
