the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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