I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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