In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
