I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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