Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
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I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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