Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
