It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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