Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
